A Mother Update, Losing One’s Past, and Retail Therapy to the Rescue

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caregiving, Inspiration, legends, Love, memories, mother, past, writing

Many of you have asked after my mother, all in all she is doing well. When she moved into Hale Ku’ike, the staffers there built her a raised planter bed so she could continue to garden.

Mom, taking care of her garden

I went to see her today and during lunch she went from being very bright and cheerful, to being confused and asking about coming back home with me. She hasn’t been this confused in a long time. I stayed with her for awhile, but then it was time for me to go. As I drove away, the song “For Good” from the Broadway show “Wicked” popped up on my ipod.

(Glinda) I’ve heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you

This is so very true about me and my mother. She not only nurtured me in her wonderful garden of earthly delights, she remains the keeper of my past. She’s the one who knows all my faults, but who has always celebrated my triumphs. I have to remind myself to cherish the good days we’ve had, understanding that there may not be too many more of them. Also, that has her mind goes, so much of my past goes with it. I realize how often, when I needed to know some bit of family history, she’d always be there to fill in the bits and pieces that I don’t remember.

(Elphaba) It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You’ll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend…”

Every time I leave my mother, there’s a mix of relief, knowing I can go and live “my” life the way I want to and regret, knowing that the woman who had always been my best friend isn’t really “there” to share it anymore.

(Elphaba) And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the thing I’ve done you blame me for
(Glinda) But then, I guess we know
There’s blame to share
(Both) And none of it seems to matter anymore

All of the old hurts and disappointments feel so shallow now, and each time I see her, it reminds me how precious our time together has always been. But what’s a girl to do when she finds herself crying and driving at the same time? Luckily enough, my car’s autopilot was set for the nearest shopping mall.

I did need to buy some shoes (really, a good pair of dog walking shoes. If you don’t believe me, I’ll show you the receipt.) But I also needed to be around people. Real people. There are the characters in my novel and they talk to me a lot, but they have problems of their own. So what did I see?
1. A set of twin brothers, each with an almost identical looking girlfriend at their side.
2. Two service members saying how good it was to be back in a place full of Americans where they speak english. (I asked, they’d just returned from stops in five different countries).
3. Two sisters, each with great bee-hive hair, each with their make-up on just so, dressed in high heels and stylish clothing. But between them, was their mother, each daughter holding an arm, helping their mom to walk through the mall. Each sister had that look: a combination of resignation and despair. Ah, I know it well.

I really did need some cheering up, so I popped into a boutique that carries very cute charms and came across one that read: “If a girl wants to be legend she should go ahead and be one.” It was just the pick-me up I needed, and now it sits around my neck. We should at least give ourselves permission to be legends in our own lives. And my mother’s antics are legendary in mine.

I came home and as I parked the car, my phone rang. It was my mother. She said that she realized that she’d spaced out somehow. That she saw herself in a long dark canyon, with tall walls over twenty feet high, and she couldn’t figure out how she got there, and why she hadn’t been able to get back to Kailua before I did. I told her I realized she had spaced out and I was sorry she had to go through that. I asked her if she was okay, and she said she was, that someone from Hale Ku’ike came and got her and now it was time for her to have a cup of tea. I told her to enjoy a cup for me and that I’ll see her again tomorrow.

And I will see her, and I will tell her that I love her and she will say “I adore you” and we’ll water her garden.

There’s not much else to say. But thank you for being out there, it gives me some solace having this tiny space in the blogosphere to talk about my life. I hope you all can take something from it. If anything, it is to enjoy the lives that are given to us. There is so much that seems to be out of our control, but there is one thing we can control, our attitude towards it all. I wish you all the best and say thank you, thank you, thank you for being there. I hope you have a marvelous weekend, and I look forward to hearing from you.  xoxoxoxoxo

8,000 Words-a-Day Follow Up: Attack of the Doubt Malingerers

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art, artists, craft, creativity, Doubt, Inspiration, writer, writing

First off, I had so many wonderful words of congratulations when I posted about chunking out 8,000 words a day. I figured it was time for a follow up. What do you do with the 50,000 mass-o-words? Well, I got out my big notebook and I drew out a plot sequence, a massive visual outline, so to speak. I know who the killer is, and where to plant the clues, I have the big finale worked out and then I started working on each individual scene.

As I wrote the pages, I was so thrilled, because I had the conflict worked out, I even figured out the “staging” in the scene, where the characters are in the room, who is sitting, who is standing, how that affects their interactions with each other. I’m very pleased with the work and have produced a little over 10,000 words of the new draft.

And then. And then, as promised, I took one of the first scenes to my mother and read it out loud to her. Aye-soos Maria, but did it just sound like crap. The stage directions that I’d been so proud of were clunky and distracting. The dialogue sounded wooden, both characters sounded the same, it didn’t sound like you were listening to two different people. Some of the lines were pretty good, but some of them were just clichéd. Argh!

My first instinct was to let it go, that I need to re-write the full manuscript and get that done and then by the time I’d finished the rest of the 70,000 or so words, I’d be better at this, so when I got back to that crappy scene, I’d be able to fix it. But, then the other side of me said, “how the hell are you gonna get any better if you don’t fix these problems right now?”

As you can see from that paragraph, I’ve been plagued by one of the artists’ worst enemies: The Doubt Malingerers.

The Dreaded Doubt Malingerer

Our dear friend and mentor-pixie-WANA-Momma Kristen Lamb writes about the Procrastination Pixies in one of her blog posts.

But I want to address the Doubt Malingerer. Isn’t he an ugly sucker? Malinger comes from the French and the verb form means: to pretend illness, especially in order to shirk one’s duty, avoid work, etc. The Doubt Malingerers attack when you least expect it. They seem to hit just at the moment when you think you’re finally on to something, that you’ve come a long way and you have worked hard to learn your craft. Then damn it, they suck the life out of your enthusiasm, and leave a nasty poison in your soul which leads to thoughts of: “Who the hell do you really think you are Missy? Oh, you think someone REALLY wants to read this garbage. Go ahead, look at the books you love, is your drivel ANYTHING close to that Edgar Winning writers’ work??? Hmmm. Oh, we think someone has put on her big girl pants and she’s walking the walk…. Oh heavens no. She’s just too big for those britches…. She thinks she’s going to be the next best seller…. No, I don’t think so!

The Committee - our personal demons of doom and gloom

My friend Mark Travis calls those voices of doubt, The Committee. Trust me, we all have a Committee. They are filled with the voices of Doubt and Doom and Gloom. They can be the voices of real people in our lives or from our past. They could be voices of the people we imagine will just hate us, just because. Just because we’re trying to do better, we don’t want to settle for ho-hum, predictable, formulaic pabulum. I think these voices have plagued artists from the get-go. How many times have we heard of painters who abandoned wonderful works of art, simply because those voices drowned out the still small voice that is always there to say: “It’s okay. You won’t get it all at once. It’s okay. Keep working. You will get there.”

This got me to thinking and I remembered that Elizabeth George, yes the wonderful, prolific, amazing Elizabeth George suffered attacks from the Doubt Malingerers. In her book, “Write Away” she begins one of her chapters with a passage from one of her journals:

“ I am filled with doubts. Why isn’t Steinbeck filled with doubts? I think he’s had one lousy day of doubt throughout the time of East of Eden. Is it because he has so many outside interests? Probably. I have so few. I’ve never been a hobby person, and when I start working on a project, all I can think of is finishing the damn thing. And there’s Steinbeck, building desks, carving oars for his sons, buying a boat, decorating his little house in New York. Should a future Nobel Laureate have a little more angst? I’d certainly appreciate it.” Journal of a Novel October 12, 1994

I also found some solace from Julia Cameron, known for her tremendous work, “The Artist’s Way” she also wrote, “The Right to Write,” and here is what she says:

“My own experience is that somewhere around two thirds of the way through a piece I suddenly see what the writing was driving at. I see the patterns that have been set up and I get an idea where everything is heading. This point is a scary one. Now that “I” know what “I” am doing, I begin to worry that “I” might not be able to pull it off. In other words, my ego wakes up. No longer content to let the writing write through me, it suddenly demands control. It wants this book to be “good.” This is the point that I call “The Wall.” All Writers know it.”

Yes indeed. The Wall. The Doubt Malingerers. Fear. Resistance. The Committee. It all comes, no matter how hard you try to prepare yourself for it. Here is Cameron’s solution:

 “When we insist on being great, the Wall stops us. When we are willing to be humble, we wriggle our way under the Wall and back to the glee of writing freely. By being willing to write “badly,” we free ourselves to write — and perhaps write very well. “

With that said, I think I have a strategy that might just work when those Doubt Malingerers show up. Maybe they only show up when you have done something good. Maybe they are just jealous because they didn’t come up with that snappy bit of dialogue. Maybe they’re here to mooch, because they never had the balls (or the ovaries) to sit their butts down in the chair and write. Whattaya think about that, you losers?

Wow! I think I’m on to something. Maybe they just need a swift kick in the tuchas. So, give thanks to the Malingerers for stopping by, but I’m sending you on your way. Go hang out with the Pixies and the next time you show up, I’ll be ready for you. Here is my new tool for dealing with you, it is the great sword  “I May Not be Great, but I Don’t Suck!” I’ll use it to cut those Malingerers down to size. With this in hand, I’ll go back and write some more, good or bad, but I’ll get it done.

The Sword of "I May not be Great but I Don't SUCK!

What do you think? Have you had an attack of the Doubt Malingerers lately? If so, you are welcome to borrow my Sword of Non-suckage. It’s cheap, all you need to do is leave a comment and tell me when you’re going to return it.

Thanks so much for stopping by. I’m sorry my posts have been few and far between, but as you can see I’ve had a lot on my hands. At least I do have one hobby, fun with Photoshop. Another good solution to  dealing with the Doubt Malingerers is to go and play with your other toys. It helps to stoke up the fires of inspiration.

Of Queens, Jewels, Brave Straight Actors, and Fun with Belle

Tags

Drag Queens, princesses, queens, sillyness, To Wong Foo

Hi Peeps,

Can you believe it is February already? On this Groundhogs day (work with me on this one) I’ve been thinking about some of my favorite Queens. Don’t ask why, it’s something for us princesses to strive for.  As I am feverishly beating my new novel into shape, I thought I’d gift you all with a video mash-up. First off, May 28, 2012 marks the beginning of Queen Elizabeth II’s Diamond Jubilee, that’s 60 years on the throne. So, here she is with her crowns:

And here is a clip from two very brave straight actors, who never really received the credit they deserved for their roles in “To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar”

And just for fun, here’s a new twist on the introduction to one of our favorite Disney princesses: Belle from “Beauty and the Beast”

Hope you enjoy the sillyness! Thanks for stopping by.