8,000 Words-a-Day Follow Up: Attack of the Doubt Malingerers

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art, artists, craft, creativity, Doubt, Inspiration, writer, writing

First off, I had so many wonderful words of congratulations when I posted about chunking out 8,000 words a day. I figured it was time for a follow up. What do you do with the 50,000 mass-o-words? Well, I got out my big notebook and I drew out a plot sequence, a massive visual outline, so to speak. I know who the killer is, and where to plant the clues, I have the big finale worked out and then I started working on each individual scene.

As I wrote the pages, I was so thrilled, because I had the conflict worked out, I even figured out the “staging” in the scene, where the characters are in the room, who is sitting, who is standing, how that affects their interactions with each other. I’m very pleased with the work and have produced a little over 10,000 words of the new draft.

And then. And then, as promised, I took one of the first scenes to my mother and read it out loud to her. Aye-soos Maria, but did it just sound like crap. The stage directions that I’d been so proud of were clunky and distracting. The dialogue sounded wooden, both characters sounded the same, it didn’t sound like you were listening to two different people. Some of the lines were pretty good, but some of them were just clichéd. Argh!

My first instinct was to let it go, that I need to re-write the full manuscript and get that done and then by the time I’d finished the rest of the 70,000 or so words, I’d be better at this, so when I got back to that crappy scene, I’d be able to fix it. But, then the other side of me said, “how the hell are you gonna get any better if you don’t fix these problems right now?”

As you can see from that paragraph, I’ve been plagued by one of the artists’ worst enemies: The Doubt Malingerers.

The Dreaded Doubt Malingerer

Our dear friend and mentor-pixie-WANA-Momma Kristen Lamb writes about the Procrastination Pixies in one of her blog posts.

But I want to address the Doubt Malingerer. Isn’t he an ugly sucker? Malinger comes from the French and the verb form means: to pretend illness, especially in order to shirk one’s duty, avoid work, etc. The Doubt Malingerers attack when you least expect it. They seem to hit just at the moment when you think you’re finally on to something, that you’ve come a long way and you have worked hard to learn your craft. Then damn it, they suck the life out of your enthusiasm, and leave a nasty poison in your soul which leads to thoughts of: “Who the hell do you really think you are Missy? Oh, you think someone REALLY wants to read this garbage. Go ahead, look at the books you love, is your drivel ANYTHING close to that Edgar Winning writers’ work??? Hmmm. Oh, we think someone has put on her big girl pants and she’s walking the walk…. Oh heavens no. She’s just too big for those britches…. She thinks she’s going to be the next best seller…. No, I don’t think so!

The Committee - our personal demons of doom and gloom

My friend Mark Travis calls those voices of doubt, The Committee. Trust me, we all have a Committee. They are filled with the voices of Doubt and Doom and Gloom. They can be the voices of real people in our lives or from our past. They could be voices of the people we imagine will just hate us, just because. Just because we’re trying to do better, we don’t want to settle for ho-hum, predictable, formulaic pabulum. I think these voices have plagued artists from the get-go. How many times have we heard of painters who abandoned wonderful works of art, simply because those voices drowned out the still small voice that is always there to say: “It’s okay. You won’t get it all at once. It’s okay. Keep working. You will get there.”

This got me to thinking and I remembered that Elizabeth George, yes the wonderful, prolific, amazing Elizabeth George suffered attacks from the Doubt Malingerers. In her book, “Write Away” she begins one of her chapters with a passage from one of her journals:

“ I am filled with doubts. Why isn’t Steinbeck filled with doubts? I think he’s had one lousy day of doubt throughout the time of East of Eden. Is it because he has so many outside interests? Probably. I have so few. I’ve never been a hobby person, and when I start working on a project, all I can think of is finishing the damn thing. And there’s Steinbeck, building desks, carving oars for his sons, buying a boat, decorating his little house in New York. Should a future Nobel Laureate have a little more angst? I’d certainly appreciate it.” Journal of a Novel October 12, 1994

I also found some solace from Julia Cameron, known for her tremendous work, “The Artist’s Way” she also wrote, “The Right to Write,” and here is what she says:

“My own experience is that somewhere around two thirds of the way through a piece I suddenly see what the writing was driving at. I see the patterns that have been set up and I get an idea where everything is heading. This point is a scary one. Now that “I” know what “I” am doing, I begin to worry that “I” might not be able to pull it off. In other words, my ego wakes up. No longer content to let the writing write through me, it suddenly demands control. It wants this book to be “good.” This is the point that I call “The Wall.” All Writers know it.”

Yes indeed. The Wall. The Doubt Malingerers. Fear. Resistance. The Committee. It all comes, no matter how hard you try to prepare yourself for it. Here is Cameron’s solution:

 “When we insist on being great, the Wall stops us. When we are willing to be humble, we wriggle our way under the Wall and back to the glee of writing freely. By being willing to write “badly,” we free ourselves to write — and perhaps write very well. “

With that said, I think I have a strategy that might just work when those Doubt Malingerers show up. Maybe they only show up when you have done something good. Maybe they are just jealous because they didn’t come up with that snappy bit of dialogue. Maybe they’re here to mooch, because they never had the balls (or the ovaries) to sit their butts down in the chair and write. Whattaya think about that, you losers?

Wow! I think I’m on to something. Maybe they just need a swift kick in the tuchas. So, give thanks to the Malingerers for stopping by, but I’m sending you on your way. Go hang out with the Pixies and the next time you show up, I’ll be ready for you. Here is my new tool for dealing with you, it is the great sword  “I May Not be Great, but I Don’t Suck!” I’ll use it to cut those Malingerers down to size. With this in hand, I’ll go back and write some more, good or bad, but I’ll get it done.

The Sword of "I May not be Great but I Don't SUCK!

What do you think? Have you had an attack of the Doubt Malingerers lately? If so, you are welcome to borrow my Sword of Non-suckage. It’s cheap, all you need to do is leave a comment and tell me when you’re going to return it.

Thanks so much for stopping by. I’m sorry my posts have been few and far between, but as you can see I’ve had a lot on my hands. At least I do have one hobby, fun with Photoshop. Another good solution to  dealing with the Doubt Malingerers is to go and play with your other toys. It helps to stoke up the fires of inspiration.

8,000 Words a Day Baby — Going Big in 2012

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art, book reference, egg timer, goals, novels, writer, writing

my writing book reference library

I took this picture of these three shelves of my bookcase. These are all my books on writing. From Roy Peter Clark’s “The Glamour of Grammar” to “Writing Fiction” by Janet Burroway, to “Anne Lamott’s “Bird by Bird.” I look at all those books, and the collective writing knowledge contained therein, and wish like heck that I had a search engine in my brain that would allow me to pull up just the exact advice I know I will need in the next two weeks.

Here’s the thing, now that mom is safely tucked away (I’ve been to visit and she is doing really well, thank you so much for ALL of your good wishes), now I get to work on my new book. I’m so excited I could spit. I’ve decided to go big, my plan is that in the next two weeks, factoring visiting mom, going to the gym and the trainer, and eating meals, I will churn out 8,000 words a day, the goal is to have an 80,000 word first draft by January 19.

Now, I can hear you now? Are you freaking kidding me? That’s a lot of work! Yes it is and I can’t wait. I’ve been doing my pre-planning and my pre-work between wheeling mom around the house and during times when we’ve had caregivers to take care of her. But I have not had big stretches of undisturbed writing time. I have been keeping track, when I set the egg timer (a writers best friend, by the way) for 30 minutes, I can consistently produce 1,500 words. That translates to five hours each day to work.

What really excites me about this adventure is if you’d asked me to do this a year ago, I’d freak out. I’d tell you, “but I don’t have an outline. It’s a murder mystery, I have no clues, I have no suspects.” What is the difference? I have confidence in myself, and more importantly, I have confidence in my characters. I’ve written out their sketches, listened to them chat, found photos of people I would use to cast them in the movie version. And if you have read my other post, I’m also ready to trust them. It’s their story; I’m the lucky freak who gets to experience it first hand. I know after the first “crank out” the real work comes. The re-writing. That’s when all these books will come in handy. To find out how to handle point of view issues, to remind me that I need tension in every sentence. That I have to maximize the conflict. That I have to enter the scene just at the right moment, and leave when the deal is done.

During this two-week period, I’ve decided to take a break from blogging. I thought I’d line up some articles to post along the way, but that just doesn’t feel authentic. There will be times, I know, when I’m re-writing, and that’s when I’ll need a break and I’ll come and chat with y’all. By the way, have I told you lately how much I appreciate you guys? Those happy few who take the time to stop by. You really make me feel like a “real” writer. That my dizzy weirdness has found a home in your fertile minds and wondrous souls.

I’ll let you know how mom is doing. I’m thinking that I’ll begin sharing  idea to start sharing more of her story with you, it is a doozy, from farm girl to “rosie the riveter” in WWII to a PhD in Botany and starting her own business that she worked at until she retired at 80. God bless her.

Thanks again for stopping by, I look forward to my new adventure and to sharing it with you. Catch you on the book of face and in the twitterverse.

 

Separation Anxiety and The Doubt Monster in Houston

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mystery, mystery novel, Rachel, story, writer

Today I’m getting ready to go off to Story Masters, a workshop billed as “an unprecedented event for writers” (it’s the first time they are trying it out) “featuring THREE masters of writing instruction: James Scott Bell, Christopher Vogler, and Donald Maass! (Exclamation point, theirs).

I first heard of the event when it was announced back in February (February?? Where has the year gone?) I knew I just had to go. I watched the website every week until they finally posted the registration information. I knew I just had to be there.

And now? Now that I’m packing my bag and making last minute arrangements, I find myself freaking out. What the hell? I love all these guys, I have all of their books: “The Fire In Fiction,” “The Writers Journey,” “The Art of War For Writers.” I’ve met Chris (yeah, I call him Chris) Vogler at the Maui Writers Conference. I did agent speed-dating with Donald Maass and I’ve already been rejected by one of the agents at his agency. And James Scott Bell was kind enough to answer a tweet that I sent him.

Why am I so freaking nervous? Well, the other part of the deal is that I submitted the first 15 pages of my novel and a synopsis and have my work critiqued by a “real” industry person. Have I told you how much I hate, hate, hate writing synopses? It’s worse than having your toenails removed. But thanks to Kristen Lamb, social media and writer advisor extraordinaire, she turned me on to Chuck Wendig’s post “25 Things You Should Know About Queries, Synopses, Treatments” After years of hating to write the darn things,  I was able to hammer out a decent description of my mystery novel, “Deadly Hula Hands.” Which is good in that I wrote it, but it’s bad in that I’m opening myself up for more criticism and will end up re-writing the book…. Again. Sigh.

Don’t get me wrong, I know the workshops will be great; these are wonderful teachers with lots of valuable information. I’m guessing there will be in-class exercises where I will get the chance to test out all this new knowledge. But I know, in the back of my mind, the dark evil one will also rear its ugly head. His name is Doubt. The other day I wrote about trust. Trust is the slayer of Doubt. But Doubt doesn’t give up with out a fight.

I’ve had do deal with this at every writing conference I’ve ever attended. You meet the presenters, you listen and learn, but somewhere, usually toward the end of the third day, Doubt greets you with his toothless cheesy grin and says, “hey baby. Who the hell do you think you are, trying be all writerly and shit?”

I tell him to piss off. I am a writer, you cretin. See, I came up with that word, all on my own — cretin. But Doubt has been sneaky these days, he’s adding, “but baby, you’re going to leave your poor, sick, failing mother in the hands of caregivers for a whole week? What kind of feckless, self-centered daughter are you?”

That’s the barb that stings the most. Yes, I will be leaving my mother to be cared for by others. Yes, as much as I need a break from pushing her wheelchair, timing her medication schedule, taking her for walks and cooking her meals — I have this awful crappy feeling that I am abandoning her.

I don’t have children of my own, by choice. I always valued my own freedom. But these last couple years, as my mother’s health has declined, our roles have reversed and I am the “mom” caregiver and she is the “child” care receiver. It’s a really awful place, because my mother is/was a great mom. She had/has a wonderful sense of humor is vivacious and creative. She gave me a fun, laugh-filled, childhood.

I’m doing the best I can to make these last years as fun-filled as I can. But there are times when I need to get out, and be on my own and remember what it is like to be on my own. In order to be a good caregiver, you have to do it because it makes you feel good and that you are filled with more than enough love to give. But there are times when the well runs dry and you have to re-fill it. Any one else out there knows what this feels like? Mothers? Daughters? Caregivers? I’d love to hear from you. And don’t worry; mom is in good hands while I’m gone.

In the next few days I will be blogging about the highlights of Story Masters. Stay tuned. Be well, be happy, thanks for stopping by.